The Worst They Can Say Is "You Suck"

That's not so bad right?

If I'm being honest with myself (which I hate to be most times), I would say hearing those words is almost as terrifying to me as death itself. I guess this means I'm afraid of rejection - or more generally, I'm afraid of sucking at anything. It's definitely an ego thing...not wanting to admit you're scared of shit. And if that's the case, then that means I'm not as humble as I thought I was either. Well great. I thought I knew myself pretty well. What is this, "self confession?" I can't lie though, it feels therapeutic - like I'm being my own shrink in a sense. Is it egocentric to believe that you can facilitate your own therapy? So many questions...so few answers.


I've always been a risk assessor. A don't-play-unless-you're-pretty-sure-you're-gonna-win kind of guy. Every chick I've ever hooked up with, I either met through a mutual friend, had a class with, worked with or saw around a few times and resolved to break the ice through a social networking site (hardly brass balls right?). There was always some sort of crutch or comfort-level medium I counted on. Although "success" using this method has shown to be fairly consistent, I'm now seeing that I've sub-consciously become dependent upon applying that approach to everything. Sadly for me, it's terrible in most other applications.

In a documentary I enjoyed a while back about professional screen writers sharing their journeys from obscurity to success entitled "Tales From the Script", I remember one of the guys being interviewed spoke of a friend of his who was also a writer who described most writers as "EGOMANIACS THAT HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM." I remember feeling a sharp pain in my chest when I heard those words...probably because of the instant shame I felt after having heard my existence summed up in a simple phrase. I remember wanting to punch the clever jerk who came up with that line that forced me to face the truth - I was hiding myself, from myself.

So since we're on the topic of self-honesty and at this point I already feel vulnerable and naked, I might as well look in my figurative mirror and be frank about what's in the reflection. Here we go. This is it. Almost ready. Ok fine:

• I don't know nearly as much as I'd like others to believe I do.
• I'm no where near as confident as I like to make others believe.
• I'm extremely self conscious of EVERYTHING (How I look when I sit and stand. My delivery and expressions when I'm trying to set up a joke. Adjusting my tone of voice and demeanor based on what race I'm around. Wondering if people like me. Wondering if I'm still "cool," or if adulthood has made me irreversibly corny. Not having witty enough comebacks when talking to strangers who seem to be intelligent and quick. Not having a "manly enough" physique. Etc, etc.)
• I second guess everything I do but like everyone to believe that I'm very deliberate and make decisions easily.
• I'm SO scatterbrained, I can distract myself from being distracted.    
• Despite all the bullets above, I still have the shameless audacity to pretend to the world that none of these exist.

And there you have it internet...my insecurities are officially on display. As unbelievably hard as that was, I think I needed that. I strangely feel less afraid of life and more empowered to.....well.....go suck at it. Some may consider publishing this a huge mistake that exposes secrets that need to be guarded but I believe the opposite. Once you open yourself totally and completely, what can somebody say to affect you that you haven't already came to terms with? People's opinions only hurt when they reveal what you've tried to keep concealed. 

So now that I'm liberated from the confines of perfection, my new goal is to give myself permission to fail.

And to keep failing until I start sucking at it ;)