The Worst They Can Say Is "You Suck"

That's not so bad right?

If I'm being honest with myself (which I hate to be most times), I would say hearing those words is almost as terrifying to me as death itself. I guess this means I'm afraid of rejection - or more generally, I'm afraid of sucking at anything. It's definitely an ego thing...not wanting to admit you're scared of shit. And if that's the case, then that means I'm not as humble as I thought I was either. Well great. I thought I knew myself pretty well. What is this, "self confession?" I can't lie though, it feels therapeutic - like I'm being my own shrink in a sense. Is it egocentric to believe that you can facilitate your own therapy? So many questions...so few answers.


I've always been a risk assessor. A don't-play-unless-you're-pretty-sure-you're-gonna-win kind of guy. Every chick I've ever hooked up with, I either met through a mutual friend, had a class with, worked with or saw around a few times and resolved to break the ice through a social networking site (hardly brass balls right?). There was always some sort of crutch or comfort-level medium I counted on. Although "success" using this method has shown to be fairly consistent, I'm now seeing that I've sub-consciously become dependent upon applying that approach to everything. Sadly for me, it's terrible in most other applications.

In a documentary I enjoyed a while back about professional screen writers sharing their journeys from obscurity to success entitled "Tales From the Script", I remember one of the guys being interviewed spoke of a friend of his who was also a writer who described most writers as "EGOMANIACS THAT HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM." I remember feeling a sharp pain in my chest when I heard those words...probably because of the instant shame I felt after having heard my existence summed up in a simple phrase. I remember wanting to punch the clever jerk who came up with that line that forced me to face the truth - I was hiding myself, from myself.

So since we're on the topic of self-honesty and at this point I already feel vulnerable and naked, I might as well look in my figurative mirror and be frank about what's in the reflection. Here we go. This is it. Almost ready. Ok fine:

• I don't know nearly as much as I'd like others to believe I do.
• I'm no where near as confident as I like to make others believe.
• I'm extremely self conscious of EVERYTHING (How I look when I sit and stand. My delivery and expressions when I'm trying to set up a joke. Adjusting my tone of voice and demeanor based on what race I'm around. Wondering if people like me. Wondering if I'm still "cool," or if adulthood has made me irreversibly corny. Not having witty enough comebacks when talking to strangers who seem to be intelligent and quick. Not having a "manly enough" physique. Etc, etc.)
• I second guess everything I do but like everyone to believe that I'm very deliberate and make decisions easily.
• I'm SO scatterbrained, I can distract myself from being distracted.    
• Despite all the bullets above, I still have the shameless audacity to pretend to the world that none of these exist.

And there you have it internet...my insecurities are officially on display. As unbelievably hard as that was, I think I needed that. I strangely feel less afraid of life and more empowered to.....well.....go suck at it. Some may consider publishing this a huge mistake that exposes secrets that need to be guarded but I believe the opposite. Once you open yourself totally and completely, what can somebody say to affect you that you haven't already came to terms with? People's opinions only hurt when they reveal what you've tried to keep concealed. 

So now that I'm liberated from the confines of perfection, my new goal is to give myself permission to fail.

And to keep failing until I start sucking at it ;)

Not Bad Enough To Be Good?

I've always wondered why supreme artistry/talent seemingly goes hand-in-hand with a life of wreckless behavior and extreme dysfunction. It almost seems as though its a mandatory prerequisite of some sort. Am I being unreasonable for believing that maybe (just maybe) one could become an internationally known figure and still actually manage to simultaneously have a healthy social, personal and family life instead of one that is shrouded in controversy and questionable conduct? The fact that I even have to ask that question is indicative of the worlds ever diminishing sense of priorities, values and morals. As one who strives to become a household name and recognized for making significant contributions in various capacities as a writer, its often discouraging considering that the majority of my colleagues in "the industry" will be individuals who have little to no inhibitions and will glorify vice and promote participation in behaviors that compromise character and tarnish reputation. Perhaps what's even more unfortunate is that in my refusal to engage in such activities, I'll probably get pegged as the "uptight, boring guy" - go figure. When did it become uncool to just want to live a peaceful, drama-free life and enjoy it with those who matter most?

I'm not too out of touch to acknowledge that sexual escapades, drugs and illegal activities are indescribably pleasureable, incredibly fun, and provide an invigorating rush like no other. However, my question is how does that benefit others outside of oneself and how much lasting fulfillment can that possibly bring someone? At the end of the day, all those things are only instant gratification at best. Furthermore, since they're only "instant," the only way to prolong them is to take the time necessary to continue repeating them. That's quite a bit of time needed to engage in non-productive self-satisfaction. The biggest problems I see in today's society are arrogance and selfishness. Everyone nowadays feels like they're "self-made." It baffles me how many people act as if they didn't need any help in achieving what they have thus far and that they really had something to do with creating their intuitive giftings. Beyond that, in this day and age people are more individualistic than ever before with absolutely no regard for they're fellow man and woman. Moreover, the idea of "community" is practically extinct which has resulted in a collective "every-man-for-himself" attitude and an apathy for most things outside of ones own dealings. Ultimately, all these tailored, new age philosophies result in the redefining of timeless, tried-and-true principles that were meant to be a moral compass that holds us accountable and has skewed them into personal views that conveniently accommodate ones own way of living without conviction which perpetuates a society deprived of emotional stability and peace-of-mind.

I certainly don't claim to have all the answers but I can say that I have enough wisdom to refrain from attempting to re-invent a wheel that's been shown to turn just fine. From my perspective, the best way to avoid the stereotypical downward spiral of a prolific artist's life is to subscribe to a standard of principles that challenges you to discipline yourself in a manner that is often times inconvenient but results in personal growth. In doing so, not only does one get to enjoy not being a cliché story of squandered potential, one also hopefully learns the humility that comes from accepting the forces at work that are greater than them in addition to realizing how much more fulfilling life can be when one considers people and things outside of themselves. Cool or uncool, I think I'm going shoot for being the most level headed artist of note to ever live. 

How's that for originality?