Don't Be So Typ(e)ical

At some point, most of us have used the familiar phrase "he/she just isn't my type." On the surface it seems like a relatively normal thing to have a "type" until you begin to consider when and how your preferences were established – then it gets interesting.

The notion of perception is quite the paradox. On one hand, it's something so real, it has the power to manifest the widely known phenomenon we call "the placebo effect." Yet on the other hand, it's also something that is so susceptible to influence that having a basis of truth is in many ways inconsequential. With that in mind, a fair question to ask might be, "where do we even begin to reconcile the validity of perception?" In pursuing that answer, we also begin to discover the origins of "our type."

As I've examined this idea both introspectively and observationally, I've come to a realization that upbringing and main-stream media are among the largest contributors to shaping our estimation of the ideal companion. In general, the common thread between these factors is that they both tend to persuade us to develop a particular taste/outlook that is based on a personal and/or superficial bias that they have been convinced is the most legitimately suitable standard.

However, the inherent flaw that exists within that method of persuasion is that every individual encounters personal circumstances or has certain experiences with people and processes them with different perspectives. These perspectives usually derive from the philosophies they have adopted throughout the course of their lives which can stem from a combination of the mentalities they were exposed to growing up, their cultural practices, and how they've been affected by various occurrences in their personal lives. Consequently, many different individuals can encounter very similar (and even the same) scenarios but experience vastly different outcomes based on how each person handles the variables that exist within those scenarios. Thus in the dating context, the concept of a “universal ideal” is virtually non-existent.

Nevertheless, when we're young, our minds are very impressionable. For example, in certain households parents encourage their children not to date outside of their race and/or social-economic status because they're taught that anything other than that is to be considered inferior or incompatible. Unfortunately for the child that hears such a restrictive fallacy, once that seed of ignorance is planted, if it isn't excavated by someone with a more circumspect point-of-view, it will grow into a belief that severely limits the number of possible candidates that could potentially make that child happy when they reach the dating age. Then comes the media.

Marketing and advertising done at it's best is like a mosquito that carries something infectious. Once noticed, we quickly brush it off and go on about our business without even realizing that every bit of what was discreetly deposited has already begun it's work. When the average person picks up a magazine and flips through it, or walks pass the display window of a clothing store and looks at a mannequin, they probably don't even realize that the images their minds are taking snap-shots of are being sub-consciously filed away in a mental index and creating a frame of reference as to what things must look like in order to qualify them to be exemplified in a mass publication or used as bait for the sales floor. Moreover, peoples minds are being conditioned to believe that the most ideal aesthetic standard of beauty is consistent with these same images that they are being bombarded with constantly. In addition to the images, content is being used as well. Time and time again on television and film we see certain personality traits glorified such as the over-confident, quick-witted narcissist or the scantly clad, promiscuous bad-girl. Over time, all these things that are seen, heard, and absorbed, ultimately infiltrate the mind and the lay eggs that eventually hatch as preferences.

I know, I know...it's hard to come to grips with the fact that much of who you are and how you think is influenced by outside factors that are completely out of your control. We would all like to think that we are fully capable of wiring and programming our own psyche without any help but if I could offer any consolation it would be this – the truth shall set you free. In a perfect world, we would all have unconditioned minds that possess the purest sense of perception but the reality is, everyones perception has been tainted to one degree or another by everything that has either directly or indirectly influenced our thinking since birth. Because of this truth, when considering a mate, the best "type" to have in mind is probably none at all. Perhaps the most essential needs would be to have compatible world-views on the fundamental level and a list of what you can and can't tolerate. Outside of that, the rest should be open to consideration.

Besides, what has your "type" brought to you thus far? If it isn't the man or woman of your dreams, then it's probably working against you more than it's working for you.

I think that's a fair assessment. No?

The Worst They Can Say Is "You Suck"

That's not so bad right?

If I'm being honest with myself (which I hate to be most times), I would say hearing those words is almost as terrifying to me as death itself. I guess this means I'm afraid of rejection - or more generally, I'm afraid of sucking at anything. It's definitely an ego thing...not wanting to admit you're scared of shit. And if that's the case, then that means I'm not as humble as I thought I was either. Well great. I thought I knew myself pretty well. What is this, "self confession?" I can't lie though, it feels therapeutic - like I'm being my own shrink in a sense. Is it egocentric to believe that you can facilitate your own therapy? So many questions...so few answers.


I've always been a risk assessor. A don't-play-unless-you're-pretty-sure-you're-gonna-win kind of guy. Every chick I've ever hooked up with, I either met through a mutual friend, had a class with, worked with or saw around a few times and resolved to break the ice through a social networking site (hardly brass balls right?). There was always some sort of crutch or comfort-level medium I counted on. Although "success" using this method has shown to be fairly consistent, I'm now seeing that I've sub-consciously become dependent upon applying that approach to everything. Sadly for me, it's terrible in most other applications.

In a documentary I enjoyed a while back about professional screen writers sharing their journeys from obscurity to success entitled "Tales From the Script", I remember one of the guys being interviewed spoke of a friend of his who was also a writer who described most writers as "EGOMANIACS THAT HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM." I remember feeling a sharp pain in my chest when I heard those words...probably because of the instant shame I felt after having heard my existence summed up in a simple phrase. I remember wanting to punch the clever jerk who came up with that line that forced me to face the truth - I was hiding myself, from myself.

So since we're on the topic of self-honesty and at this point I already feel vulnerable and naked, I might as well look in my figurative mirror and be frank about what's in the reflection. Here we go. This is it. Almost ready. Ok fine:

• I don't know nearly as much as I'd like others to believe I do.
• I'm no where near as confident as I like to make others believe.
• I'm extremely self conscious of EVERYTHING (How I look when I sit and stand. My delivery and expressions when I'm trying to set up a joke. Adjusting my tone of voice and demeanor based on what race I'm around. Wondering if people like me. Wondering if I'm still "cool," or if adulthood has made me irreversibly corny. Not having witty enough comebacks when talking to strangers who seem to be intelligent and quick. Not having a "manly enough" physique. Etc, etc.)
• I second guess everything I do but like everyone to believe that I'm very deliberate and make decisions easily.
• I'm SO scatterbrained, I can distract myself from being distracted.    
• Despite all the bullets above, I still have the shameless audacity to pretend to the world that none of these exist.

And there you have it internet...my insecurities are officially on display. As unbelievably hard as that was, I think I needed that. I strangely feel less afraid of life and more empowered to.....well.....go suck at it. Some may consider publishing this a huge mistake that exposes secrets that need to be guarded but I believe the opposite. Once you open yourself totally and completely, what can somebody say to affect you that you haven't already came to terms with? People's opinions only hurt when they reveal what you've tried to keep concealed. 

So now that I'm liberated from the confines of perfection, my new goal is to give myself permission to fail.

And to keep failing until I start sucking at it ;)

Not Bad Enough To Be Good?

I've always wondered why supreme artistry/talent seemingly goes hand-in-hand with a life of wreckless behavior and extreme dysfunction. It almost seems as though its a mandatory prerequisite of some sort. Am I being unreasonable for believing that maybe (just maybe) one could become an internationally known figure and still actually manage to simultaneously have a healthy social, personal and family life instead of one that is shrouded in controversy and questionable conduct? The fact that I even have to ask that question is indicative of the worlds ever diminishing sense of priorities, values and morals. As one who strives to become a household name and recognized for making significant contributions in various capacities as a writer, its often discouraging considering that the majority of my colleagues in "the industry" will be individuals who have little to no inhibitions and will glorify vice and promote participation in behaviors that compromise character and tarnish reputation. Perhaps what's even more unfortunate is that in my refusal to engage in such activities, I'll probably get pegged as the "uptight, boring guy" - go figure. When did it become uncool to just want to live a peaceful, drama-free life and enjoy it with those who matter most?

I'm not too out of touch to acknowledge that sexual escapades, drugs and illegal activities are indescribably pleasureable, incredibly fun, and provide an invigorating rush like no other. However, my question is how does that benefit others outside of oneself and how much lasting fulfillment can that possibly bring someone? At the end of the day, all those things are only instant gratification at best. Furthermore, since they're only "instant," the only way to prolong them is to take the time necessary to continue repeating them. That's quite a bit of time needed to engage in non-productive self-satisfaction. The biggest problems I see in today's society are arrogance and selfishness. Everyone nowadays feels like they're "self-made." It baffles me how many people act as if they didn't need any help in achieving what they have thus far and that they really had something to do with creating their intuitive giftings. Beyond that, in this day and age people are more individualistic than ever before with absolutely no regard for they're fellow man and woman. Moreover, the idea of "community" is practically extinct which has resulted in a collective "every-man-for-himself" attitude and an apathy for most things outside of ones own dealings. Ultimately, all these tailored, new age philosophies result in the redefining of timeless, tried-and-true principles that were meant to be a moral compass that holds us accountable and has skewed them into personal views that conveniently accommodate ones own way of living without conviction which perpetuates a society deprived of emotional stability and peace-of-mind.

I certainly don't claim to have all the answers but I can say that I have enough wisdom to refrain from attempting to re-invent a wheel that's been shown to turn just fine. From my perspective, the best way to avoid the stereotypical downward spiral of a prolific artist's life is to subscribe to a standard of principles that challenges you to discipline yourself in a manner that is often times inconvenient but results in personal growth. In doing so, not only does one get to enjoy not being a cliché story of squandered potential, one also hopefully learns the humility that comes from accepting the forces at work that are greater than them in addition to realizing how much more fulfilling life can be when one considers people and things outside of themselves. Cool or uncool, I think I'm going shoot for being the most level headed artist of note to ever live. 

How's that for originality?

For the Sake of Being "Different"

In an age and society where EVERYONE is overly obsessed with distinguishing themselves from others, how does one actually achieve that goal with any sort of validity? And considering that there's such a large number of people pursuing this goal, it ultimately results in sameness. The irony.

Within the context of art, it seems as though most people have forgotten the essence and perspective from which the concept of originality was birthed which was simply to offer an alternative take, expression, or approach on/of something that was once stuck in the norm of a particular era. Now it seems to have turned it into one's egocentric desire to feel like they're in "a league of their own" and that only an enlightened-few who live in the same ether can appreciate their divinely inspired ideas.

Granted, there are those rare individuals who indeed are exceptionally unique, innately, and contribute things to the world that are truly progressive and profoundly brilliant, but one could argue that for the extremely small percentage of those individuals that exist, it's highly doubtful that their primary concern is critical acclaim since they're more than likely too busy just trying to get people to understand them and relate to their vision.

The true genius that pioneers, innovators and progressive minds possess lies in their ability to be so rigorously dedicated and immersed in their crafts, ideas, and causes that they're somewhat disconnected from formal criteria, awards, and accolades. For them, it's so much about advancing, enhancing or re-inventing "that thing" that they are inextricably connected to that as they are achieving what their passion and heart has driven them to accomplish, the world begins to realize that its existing measure of what is considered to be the "epitome" of those achievements has been surpassed and needs to be re-evaluated and reconstructed to fit the new peak standard that the genius has set.

Even then, the genius continues to push limits and boundaries because they can't seem to physically manifest the visions they see mentally at a fast enough rate, all the while, still giving little attention to the fame and critiques that accompany the legacy they are building. But finally after an extended period - and sometimes a lifetime - of consistent output of stellar work, they either live just long enough for the world to "catch-up" and thank them (i.e. Michael Jackson) or they die before that opportunity presents itself and the appreciative-value of their work fully blossoms (i.e. Jean-Michel Basquiat). That's originality and genius in it's purest form.

Unfortunately, there are a plethora of individuals who I call "pseudo-originals." These are the people who attempt to appear apart from the masses by following a bogus set of guidelines they've subscribed to as a result of exposing themselves to various pop-culture media outlets and combining what they've absorbed so that they can reflect a new, manufactured-self back out into the world in a very conspicuous manner. They achieve this by making surface-level image and speech adjustments (that are devoid of any true understanding of the origins of that which they are imitating) to create a smorgasbord of tasteless and obnoxious proportions and WALLAH...they begin asserting their originality and will fight tooth-and-nail in its defense with no basis at all besides their empty, yet passionate, conviction.

It gets worse however, when you run into what I call the "pseudo-genius." This is the bold individual who has their sights set on the "avant garde" and will therefore make very extreme statements in all forms of self-expression because they are of the mind that "obscurity" and the "far-left-field" are places worth relishing in. Thus, creating an altogether different kind of eye and/or ear-sore of EPIC proportions.

Sure...we're all inspired by something. On some occasions people build on that foundation of inspiration and create something that's truly original - but by-in-large, most people don't. Every generation is blessed with a few geniuses that change the status-quo while the rest of society adjusts with the rippling effects of those changes. You're not going to like this but I'm still going to say it - IT'S OK TO NOT BE ORIGINAL OR BE A GENIUS. I know, I know...but it seems so cool right? Well the sooner you get over the need to achieve that, the more comfortable you'll become with yourself. I'm not saying no one should aspire to be great at something. I'm saying don't obsess over trying to be something that you're not naturally for the sake of being "different" and don't just aspire to do great things for the sake of "greatness." When you do that, you're no different than the "pseudo-original" and the "pseudo-genius" who are really just insecure posers who didn't get enough attention growing up.

Be-YOU-tiful.

February 14th

Ever notice how some people seem to love LOVE more than they love themselves? It's quite common. I guess the comfort of having someone else there who's life you can attach yourself to and who's world you can live in can help you escape all of the stress and turmoil of your own world. But is it really an escape or just a distraction? Unfortunately for he/she playing the "fugitive," (if you will) you can't live in someone else's world forever. Whether you like it or not and no matter how long you try to run from it by jumping from relationshit to relationshit (no those aren't typos), sooner or later you're going to have to face those things in your personal life that you've always tried to avoid confronting.

How do you best face those issues? By learning to love loving yourself. Attributing value to yourself is one of the best things you can do because once you believe within yourself that you are significant and that you deserve the best, you'll start carrying yourself like you are and expecting a higher standard of treatment. Thus, you'll be able to attract individuals with the capacity and qualifications to satisfy your new found criteria for eligibility to be in your company. This helps weed out the losers and usher in the more worthy candidates.

So with that said, if you don't have a Valentine this year, try being your own and stop whining and being a bitterly jaded "love-hater" because it only makes you look more pathetic. Maybe if you love yourself with enough fervor someone else may come along and be interested in seeing what the fuss is about. The little girl in the picture is on to something.

Build-A-Broad

In addition to being a writer, I also have sort of a seasonal gig that I fell into some time ago during my latter years of adolescence. For all intents and purposes, I guess you can look at it as "community service on a case by case basis." I still haven't figured out if it was my selflessness and eager will to help those in need that propelled me into volunteering my time and energy or if it was a subconscious assertion of my belief that I'm God's gift to women; either way, I've found myself strangely addicted to this job. Build-a-Broad is an organization that operates as a non-profit and as a staff member, you work as an independent representative.

The job description and it's requirements tend to vary based on each client's individual needs but the overall goal is straight-forward - we find a woman with a troublesome background who has issues with coping with their past hurts which effects their ability to socialize, personally develop/mature and date. Then we try to "save" them by romantically becoming a part of their lives and crucifying ourselves for the sake of their growth while receiving little or nothing in the way of substantial reciprocation for the emotional energy exerted (hence it being a non-profit).

As absurd as it may sound (and in fact is), like most jobs that people hate and yet remain employees of, as much as you may dread working there at times, there is a familiarity that tends to develop with time and it creates a comfort zone as well as an inclination on the part of the employee to believe that their job needs them (which almost always isn't the case); but it's that belief that traps you so much so that even if you leave that job, more than likely you'll find another one just like it - same shit, different location, different building and different name.

And so it is at Build-a-Broad, I find these women, I pour my heart and soul into them, get a few perks in return (sex...and maybe breakfast depending on performance), but ultimately no real replenishment or fulfillment and yet the part of me that feels like I'm doing these woman a "favor" is what causes me to finish with one of them, take time to recover (hence the job being seasonal) and then going to find another one just like the last - same shit, different age, different look and different name.

Perhaps the worst part about this job is that with some cases, you're so proud of the work you've done with the woman that you actually want to KEEP them but then it dawns on you how much energy was required of you to keep them functioning optimally and the thought of you never being able to rest and enjoy the relationship without them defaulting back to their old ways, forces you to release them. But then, there's always that mixture of envy and frustration that comes from the thought of them somehow tapping into what you've taught them and becoming self-sufficient after you let them go and then someone else finding them and being able to enjoy all the fruits of YOUR labor without any of their own blood, sweat or tears being required.

If you can't tell by now, everyone who works for Build-a-Broad has some serious psychological issues. One of the drawbacks of being a priggish intellectual is that sometimes you can think you're so smart that you end up tripping over your own thoughts and actions. And sometimes your ego keeps you in denial of the fact that you just tripped yourself and actually tells you that you MEANT to do that which causes you to trip yourself repeatedly. This type of perpetual self-dishonesty actually increases the chances of you falling flat on your face at which point you make a complete ass of yourself and it becomes a harshly humbling experience. With that being said, after recently doing just that with a case I was working with over at Build-a-Broad, I figured it would be best for me to fire myself - so I did. Now that I've freed myself from my self-imposed bondage and I now have such an extensive dating resume, all I have to do is find a wife.

Hopefully I can overcome the marital recession.

2010?

Resolutions? Nah not really. More like "rollover goals" from last year. A part of me wishes I shared the same optimism that the rest of world seemingly possesses right now and that I like to call "The New Years High." You look around and see all of these sensational sounding Facebook status' and tweets that declare how much everyone is going to thrive like never before. However, like all things that go up...you know gravity gets down (how bout that pun?). Having lived for 22.5 years, I've come to realize that this "high" usually comes back down after tax season. With that being said though, I hate to sound like the miserably jaded, self-loathing writer too so I guess I'll add that what you confess and believe actually does have the power to change your reality.

I don't know man. It's like I came into this year sober and in God's house on my knees in prayer hoping that it would somehow be a symbolic tone-setter for the remainder of the year but for some odd reason, unlike those who brought in 2010 with their head in a toilet bowl, dancing with a sweaty stranger, taking a hit of some good weed or making out with whoever was in grabbing distance and still manages to be feeling exuberant about the coming year...I feel lost and confused. Maybe I'm just having my quarter-life crisis and my failure to cope with life's uncertainties is getting the best of me. Whatever the case may be, since I'm still here the least I can do is make my space and time account for something this year right? To dream or not to dream? That is the question.